The third time I died was the worst.

 

"The cave you fear to enter,
holds the treasure you seek."

- Joseph Campbell

 

Dying sucks.

I've had to learn that the hard way. 

But death isn't something to fear.

Fear is the real fear.

Here's the lesson in the story I'm about to unfold...

INSIDE fear is where your real power resides.

INSIDE fear is where the real you resides.

INSIDE fear is where your dreams come true.

INSIDE fear is freedom.

We all fear our true selves, the part we don't know. 

We are afraid of what's past the fear. 

What's past the fear is the dark void of the unknown.

The unknown is the scariest thing there is.

Through lots of extreme testing, I've learned you must turn and face the void... 

...or you will never truly LIVE.

You MUST dive into fear to escape its clutches. You must dive into fear to free your true self. Everything that resides outside of your fear is fiction. It's an aberration, a ghost, an empty shell.

In the parlance of our times, it's fucking FAKE.

99% of people live in a very persistent lie; A fake world they've masterfully created to hide their true self from the world. Social media encourages and teaches this very well.

It's a prison where most aren't aware of the bars surrounding them.

Yet they fear those bars all the same.

I was in your place once. 

Let me tell you what I learned and how I got out of it.

Until writing this I had forgotten about the second time I died, because I wasn't afraid. It happened so fast I didn't have time to fear.

The first time was self-inflicted so it's painful to discuss.

The third time was the worst.

---

It was August of 2010 in a dingy night club in the heart of Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Double L's in Spanish are usually pronounced with a YA sound. But in Argentinian Spanish, double L's are pronounced as SHA. 

Example: The word bottle in Spanish is botella. From my time living in Panama, I learned botella as BO-TAY-YA.

But in much of South America it's pronounced BO-TAY-SHA.

It's a subtle but dramatic difference that can really wreck a conversation.

In my case, it killed me.

"I'm sooooooo sooooorry!" I sobbed to my wife.

"I'm dyyyiiing! I'm eeeeevil! I’m soooooo sooooorry!" I said again in very slurred words.

I had overdosed on Ketamine, a horse tranquilizer "enjoyed" my party drug addicts the world over. It's also currently used clinically to treat depression in bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder. 

Three A.M. in a night club in downtown Buenos Aires is far from a clinical setting.

One typical dose takes the addict on a magical journey that lasts 30-90 minutes. A nice high that rips a hole in reality and takes you on a journey of feelings you've never experienced before.

I had just consumed somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 doses.

That's way more than enough to kill a couple large people.

But I had come to party, not die.

Only moments before I was in the bathroom stall, ecstatic. I had found the goldmine.

"This is the purest cocaine I've ever seen!" I said out loud to myself.

I hadn't seen cocaine that pure since meeting a very wealthy guy in his huge mansion overlooking La Jolla cove in San Diego.

He introduced me to what turned into a love; Pure, uncut Colombian cocaine. The best that money could buy. It was over 2000% more expensive that what I was used to paying.

The garbage coke I had grown accustomed to consuming on a regular basis was "stepped on" so much it wasn't even cocaine anymore.

"Stepped on" is a slang term I learned from drug dealers. 

It means it was cut with other substances to make it cheaper. All to increase the amount a dealer could sell from one kilo.

It's common practice to cut pure coke with vitamin B powder. The REALLY cheap coke is cut with whatever white powder a dealer can find.

Flour, powdered sugar, talcum powder, or anything else, is used. The stuff they use to cut cocaine makes it even more dangerous than it already is. 

Cheap and dangerous is a bad combination.

Cocaine cut with Vitamin B is the "best" stepped-on coke. Vitamin B gives a big energy kick on its own so it seems like you are consuming "great" coke. Energy drinks usually have Vitamin B as an ingredient.

In REALITY, it's a perfectly-legal powder with its own perfectly-legal high. 

I fought hard for many years to avoid REALITY.

As I stood in the dimly-lit bathroom stall I could see the rainbowy, pearlescent sheen of pure cocaine. When I pointed my mobile phone light on it, the colors danced.

"Holy shit! I've hit the motherlode!" My thoughts were on fire.

My addict brain played out a crazy narrative.

I was in South America, "not that far" from Colombia. So surely this means pure cocaine is cheap and easy to get there without having to bypass the dragnet of the United States "War on Drugs." My fantasy played out further, thinking I had randomly found a drug dealer in a night club with the pure stuff.

And he sold it to a stranger for 10 pesos!

Wow I was lucky!

"It's so pure and cheap here any random dealer has the best there is!" my thoughts fantasized.

I envisioned Tony-Montana-sized piles of cocaine lying around at my new dealer's house. Wow what I find! Now we have THE hookup for the rest of our vacation in Argentina!

As the narrative amped up in my addict brain, I had to immediately dive into this treasure.

See, the high you get from pure cocaine is like nothing else. It's pure ecstasy.

Your thoughts become razor sharp. Your conversations rage on non-stop as you solve all the world's problems in minutes. You suddenly have the answer for everything and all fears disappear.

It's amazing.

Just weeks before I had experienced this amazing high in that La Jolla mansion so it was very fresh in my mind.

I was in for a treat.

And I now had a full weekend supply for only a few Argentinian pesos. Holy shit life is awesome!

I laid out two FAT lines on the back of the toilet. I inhaled them both with glee like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

In seconds I could feel the euphoria already kicking in.

"Wow this was going to be an amazing night!" I said to myself as I was leaving the bathroom.

With every step I took, the euphoria increased at an alarming rate.

"Holy shit, this stuff is powerful," I thought to myself.

Within 20 steps I was on the floor crawling. Thankfully our table was very close to the bathroom and my wife saw me crawling back.

When I looked at her face I saw concern. Then her head pixelated into six equal-sized blocks that each floated away separately. Each block was talking to me.

Several of the face-blocks floated over the dance floor. The remaining ones were crying.

I couldn't figure out which one to look at. Then a heard an offensive, LOUD buzzing in my ears.

Everything went fuzzy. 

Then it all went dark.

I died and arrived in hell. 

They call it a K-hole. It feels like you are in a deep dark hole and can't get out. It's the most lonely feeling I've ever felt. Extreme solitude with no reprieve, no love, no escape.

Even now, while writing this, I can feel it all too well. 

It's still very disturbing to me. I'm shaking from the memory as I type.

I died right there.

I went to hell. I saw my eternal damnation.

There aren't enough words to explain the experience. It was pure loneliness.

The universe spoke to me. It told me I was dead. 

"This is your eternity," it whispered in my ear.

I cried out in pain. "Nooooo! I'm sooo sooooorry! Pleeeeeeeeease saaaaaave meeee!"

The rest of this story comes from what was told to me by witnesses.

By the time my crawling half-corpse reached the table I was vomiting violently.

While lying on the floor I held onto my wife repeatedly crying out over and over, "I'm soooo soooooryyyyy!"

The ice bucket filled to overflowing with my vomit.

Amazingly, there has a doctor at the table next to ours. He saw what was happening and came to help.

But I was already dead.

Since he spoke Spanish and English he was able to help find out what happened. He eventually unwound what I had done.

See, no one in my group had known I was going to buy coke. I didn't tell them. I wanted to be the hero.

I left the table in a rush when I spotted a guy on the edge of the dance floor with a "bullet" like this one.

I had a bullet in my pocket so I knew what he was doing.

A bullet is a stealth way to dose on cocaine. I carried one with me everywhere for many years when my coke habit raged.

When I saw him put the bullet to his nostril, I ran the narrative in my addict brain.

"He's got coke!" I shouted to myself.

I fell all over myself as I sprinted to the guy without saying anything to anyone. 

It was 3 A.M. on the edge of a night club dance floor. 

1) It was loud.
2) My Spanish was rusty at best.
3) We were in South America where they say BO-TAY-SHA.

So as this crazy-eyed American shouted "KO-KI-EENA" into his ear, he looked shocked and confused. He didn't understand I wanted to buy his coke bullet from him.

I pointed to his bullet and I screamed again into his ear, "Quiero comprar tu KO-KI-EENA!"

Translated: "I want to buy your cocaine!"

After many tries he finally understood and pulled out a folded square of paper, a common way of storing cocaine. 

"Diez pesos," he said. I had a wad of pesos in my pocket so I bought all he had, four thick folded squares. I felt like a conquering warrior bringing home the spoils of war for my tribe.

The music blaring from the DJ was even sweeter than it was before.

I took two squares for myself and gave the other two to my wife and friends at the table.

I always did way more than anyone so I "needed" more. I immediately went to the bathroom to partake in my haul.

The rest is history.

The doctor finally figured out that the dealer was selling KE-TA-MEENA, not KO-KI-EENA.

They sounded the same to me in a loud club in a country where the Spanish language sounds a bit different.

I had simply jumped to a conclusion being completely naive to Ketamine. It was the first and last time I consumed the stuff.

I died that night. NO ONE can convince me any differently. I spent what seemed like 30 years in hell.

The doctor told my friends I had overdosed but there was nothing he could do. He told them to let me lay there and it might wear off eventually.

MIGHT.

Welcome to South America, bitch.

Everyone continued partying while I languished in hell.

After several hours of being dead, I recovered enough to walk with help.

Stumbling out of the club, held vertical by multiple people, I saw the shocked faces of everyone we passed. It must have been a sight to behold.

Outside the sun was shining.

"I'm a blaaaaaaaack paaaaaanther!" I screamed at the top of my lungs while lying on the sidewalk outside the club.

"Blaaaack paaaanthers DAAAAAANCE!"

So I did what I thought was dancing. I'm sure it looked like a crazy homeless person stumbling around shouting incomprehensibles. I was dead and in despair so I didn't care.

I was free but in hell at the same time.

I've been through a lot in my life but this one takes the cake.

I died and went to hell. I'm still kinda convinced I'm still dead and this is the afterlife.

That's how powerful the experience was.

I might be dead, right now. Is this my afterlife? I honestly can't give a concrete answer to that question. Either way, I'm a different person since then.

I've died many times on the journey to become a hero of my own life.
 
As Joseph Campbell explains very well, "The Hero's Journey" requires death. But it’s a death that's rarely physical.

And it's a death the repeats quite often.

The typical hero's 12 stages:
1. Ordinary World - Where most people stay forever
2. Call To Adventure - Stepping into the unknown
3. Refusal Of The Call - "I'm not worthy and I'm afraid!" 
4. Meeting The Mentor - That's me!  :)
5. Crossing The First Threshold - Red Pill Moment - The point of no return to the old ways
6. Tests, Allies, Enemies
7. Approach To The Inmost Cave - Facing your demons
8. Ordeal - Hitting rock bottom, death
9. Reward - Real inner change
10. The Road Back - Healing, return to the ordinary world as a hero
11. Resurrection - Ego death, Rebirth, Rise of the Phoenix
12. Return With The Elixer - You are the fearless hero with the solution.

This cycle repeats until the hero learns the lesson.

I'm hardheaded and have to take things to extremes to learn lessons.

I've discovered I'm not a drug addict.

I'm an experimentation addict.

I fought with life and the world for over 40 years before I cracked the code. 40 years before I found the answer to the question that haunted me...

"What the fuck is wrong with me?!"

There's not much I haven't tried, at extreme levels, to answer that question.

I've spent well over $500,000 on:

  • meditation retreats
  • courses of all kinds
  • events, conferences, conventions
  • therapists
  • shamans
  • energy workers
  • astrologers
  • spiritual gurus
  • sound healers
  • REIKI practitioners
  • somatic experiencing
  • personal development coaches
  • prayer circles
  • Indian sweat lodges
  • fire walking
  • exorcisms (yes I believed I had demons inside)
  • arrow-breaking
  • ayahuasca (and DMT) vision quests
  • and anything else you can think of.

Guess what...

None of it worked.

NONE.

After each experience I felt better for a few weeks then reality would slowly crush me again.

And then I would be WORSE off.

When I attended Warrior Week, Garrett J. White taught me I was using my past pain for fuel.

He nailed it, but I couldn't figure out how to change fuel tanks.

No matter what I did, no matter how extreme, I always had this gnawing self-loathing.

It would always return and stronger than before.

I was raised in a very strong Christian home. I always thought I was going to grow up and be a missionary. I taught Bible studies and led Christian youth groups. I strongly believed the Christian religion was the answer to everything.

I preached that message HARD until age 35. I even had plans to attend Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Then I went crazy.

I tried every drug, every alcohol, every escape, every "cure" that anyone would suggest.

I did month-long water fasts. I went full vegan. I turned alcoholic then gave it up for 2 years to see if that was the problem. I tried marijuana to extreme levels until I had to quit that too.

One shaman even had me put energy crystals in my underwear while on DMT.  I even hired a strange girl to do energy work on me that required crystals on my bare crotch and chest for HOURS on end.

All while she chanted weird shit and waved feathers around while pounding on drums. Even through the fogginess of the drugs I was on, I knew this was bullshit.

But still I persevered.

Each time, after each convention, after each course, after each whatever...

Hate for myself always returned.

And with that hate came self-sabotage, procrastination, and pain.

What I didn't realize was that the answer was simple. It was right there in front of me the entire time. I saw the answer in everything but missed it completely.

I went on a long journey of self-discovery to learn it.

I went on the Hero's Journey.

All to learn one simple lesson...

There's NOTHING wrong with me! 

Nothing at all. I operate perfectly. The issue was past trauma.

I treated it as reality and clung to it HARD.

When I finally let go of the old story of painful past mistakes and trauma, it all fell away.

I faced the fear and found the real me.

Here's why this matters for you dear reader...

There's nothing wrong with you either.

NOTHING.

You operate perfectly. You simply haven't learned to live in the present moment. There's nothing wrong with anyone. Everyone operates perfectly based on the subconscious programs they are running.

Most people are walking around on autopilot. 

95% of your waking life is simply your autonomic nervous system responding in programmed ways. All based on past emotions (trauma) that gets stored as stuck energy in your physical body.

This isn't woo-woo spiritual shit. This is proven through hundreds of scientific studies and advanced fMRI research.

Your limbic system (the system in your body that creates your ego) is constantly working hard to keep you safe.

Safety comes from the known. Anything unknown is deemed NOT safe at all, because you can't predict it.

After about age 35 we can nearly perfectly predict our day-to-day lives. Guess what happens when you can perfectly predict your life...

Mid-life crisis.

So here's the short lesson...

If you want anything more than a mundane, boring life...

You HAVE to face your fears.

You HAVE to live in the moment.

You HAVE to try new things.

You HAVE to rewire your limbic system so it doesn't use pain for fuel.

We live in a very safe world. No large animals are trying to eat you. No one is trying to murder you.

Most "bad" things that happen to you only happen in your head.

"The cave you fear to enter,
holds the treasure you seek."

- Joseph Campbell

All we really have is the present moment.

Literally EVERYTHING ELSE is a fabrication by your body's limbic system (ego) attempting to keep you safe.

It's memorized emotions that are completely fake.

There's infinite love in the present moment. There's infinite safety. There's infinite you.

But you are too scared to go there.

Most people these days would nearly lose their fucking minds if they were forced to sit in a quiet room by themselves for more than a few minutes.

Cell phones and social media have us cracked the fuck out on dopamine kicks. It's far more addictive than heroine. When the dopamine wears off, the present moment is all there is.

That scares the SHIT out of most people.

But in reality, that's where the real power is.

That's where the real you resides. The only way to get there is to step into the void of the unknown.

I've taken the Hero's Journey, waded through my darkest shit and came out the other side.

I was in your place once. Now I want to teach you what I learned and how I got out of it. So, I'm launching a new 90 day accountability course.

I'm calling it: Matt's Superhero Training

You will learn how to tap into your true self and become a hero of your own life.

And you'll learn how to get more accomplished in 90 days than most people do in a year.

You'll learn:
- The simple trick to cure procrastination forever
- The 5 second meditation that I use to live in the present moment
- How to achieve more than even the hardest working people in the world in only 3 hours a day
- How to set and exceed 90 day goals (One year and 5 year goals are STUPID!)
- How to shed your trauma and become the REAL you
- What 3 things to put on your daily todo list so there's never a guess 
- How to compress your "work" day to 30 minutes and make more money than ever
- How I lost 105 pounds & how you can lose weight and keep it off forever with no dieting and no workouts
- How to consistently be the smartest person in the room
- How to turn your self-loathing into an automated income stream
- And a lot more

The course is a 90 day program.

I teach you how to set real 90 day goals and EXCEED them regularly.

So much so, you'll become a new you every 90 days.

You'll collapse time and live in the present moment more and more often.

Simply put, you'll become a Superhero.

To the rest of the world operating on autopilot you'll look like a magician.

I've lived it. I've helped hundreds of others do it to.

Now I'm launching a brand new program to help you, be you.

It's a six-week masterclass on personal development, on steroids.

Plus a 90 day accountability program to help make sure you actually do it.

Matt's Superhero Training includes:

Module 1: The 3-Hour Work Day - Tim Ferris had it wrong, but not by much. How to work only 3 hours a day and accomplish all your goals, and a lot more.

Module 2: Project Procrastination - How to turn your procrastination into a masterful tool that serves you instead of sabotaging your life. (This is the NUMBER ONE thing I had to learn.)

Module 3: Slay The Demon - How to stop using pain as fuel. You have a dark side. We all do. You have to learn how to embrace it and turn it into an asset. If you don't learn this, it will destroy you.

Module 4: Superhero Training - How to overcome any obstacle at will and become the smartest and most experienced person in the room, always.

Module 5: How To Go Pro - How to go from a whiny loser to the hero of your own life. This training teaches how to turn your hidden dormant skills into professional level results you can be proud of. (HINT: How to make money.)

Module 6: Accountability that doesn't suck! - We all know that accountability to others is a powerful thing. But I hate it! So I fixed it with a simple system you'll look forward to.

This training and accountability program will help you:
- End procrastination
- End self sabotage
- End self doubt
- End self loathing
- End negative self talk
- End the cycle of failure

I'm kinda an asshole so don't come looking for rah-rah motivational speeches.

Motivation doesn't work!

It never has and never will.

Why?

Because feeling good is just an emotion. Emotions come and go like the wind. Even the best motivational seminars only last 6 weeks AT BEST!

At worst, you forget everything you experienced as soon as you get back home to your real life. Your real life that's nothing but a reminder of all your mistakes from the past.

In my training you'll learn how to achieve everything your heart desires:
- Even when you are depressed. 
- Even when you are pissed off.
- Even when you can't get out of bed.
- Even when you hate yourself.
- Even when you've created failure after failure.
- Even when you're ready to tell the whole world to GET FUCKED!

You'll learn to be you all the time, without fear.

If this resonates with you, click here to join >>>

I'll walk side-by-side with you the entire 90 days. I show you everything I'm doing through my own 90 day targets so you can see that I walk what I talk.

I'll be going through it with you just like I've been doing every 90 days for years now.

I do the exact same stuff. It's the system I had to develop after spending over $500,000 and getting no results.

My system works. Here are dozens of testimonials from people who learned the very first version of this years ago.

My system has been through several changes and refinements to make it super simple.

Just do 3 simple things per day that take no more than an hour to do. That's it.

Work no more than 3 hours a day and achieve every dream you've ever had.

Sound bold? It is.

I've lived it, and to the extreme.

I've helped others and now it's your time.

I'm holding nothing back.

You'll work directly with me and my team for 90 days.

You'll learn the entire system.

You'll learn the operating system for you.

You'll even learn how to make money from it all.

Nothing is being held back.

If this resonates with you, then click here to sign up.

I'm now the hero of my own life and I want to teach you the simple system to get there yourself. But don't get it twisted, this is HARD! You have a lot of bad programming to unwind.

But there's a system to it.

And you'll have an accountability group to keep you going when it gets hard.

Plus you'll learn how to automated income streams from your quirks.

Here's what you'll get access to when you sign up:

  • Private Slack group for accountability and support
  • Private access to me and my team
  • Weekly group coaching calls
  • Weekly live training
  • Matt's Superhero Training
  • A new you

If you are ready for a new paradigm, learn to become a superhero.

Click here to sign up 

See you on the inside,
Matt "Dead Man Walking" Trainer

P.S. When you join the training I'll share how I died those other two times. Both are CRAZY stories you'll learn something from.

Go here to sign up now >>>

 

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